First of all ... I want to say ... I'm writing this because I struggle with this. And being the kind of person who hopes she isn't just a crazy person who is out here in the ocean of parenting bobbling around like an idiot all by herself, I like to think that maybe a few others might have this issue as well? Maybe not, maybe you all find it so easy to be that kind of person all the time that you want your kids to see. But, it's hard for me.
First I guess I'll start out with a list of characteristics that I want to show my kids. A list of "things" I wish were easy, and consistent with-in me.
Patience
Nice words
Shows grace
Shares my faith with others
Polite
Manners
Responsible
Strong
Willing to learn new things
Kind
Follows thru
I need to be like Proverbs 31
you know Christ Like........
Wow.. really Christ like?... yep... after I wrote all this down I realized I want my kids to see Christ in me. That is a really tall order.... well it's impossible to be Jesus.... he was perfect, and sinless, and well... everything right. And I'm not. I'm not even close. I struggle with all the things above in the "list".
I like to think that compared to that mom totally freaking out over her toddler at Target I'm holding it together pretty well. But... I shouldn't think that. I should be showing that mom grace, knowing in my heart that - yea.. I've totally been there... weather or not there were witnesses - I've still been there. So, I try to offer a smile that says, it's going to be ok.
But... as mom in front of my kids, I don't ever want to be that mom that "looses" it in front of them. I don't want to seem impatient, or unkind to my kids. I don't want when I say "use your nice words" they say back to me.. you don't. I've caught myself saying out loud "ahh.. what is wrong with you". And then I realized if they said that to their sibling.. I wouldn't allow it. So, I stopped that. I don't allow them to say shut up, or stupid, or poo-poo head. So... I can't either, because I lead by example.. right?!?
This is what "good moms" do right? The perfect ones, with perfect hair, and all the right answers right? Oh my goodness...... WWJD? Right? Somebody tell me I don't just go thru this crazy mental cycle by myself!
I say to the boys when they talk about a kid being mean on the playground to walk away, to not allow them to engage them in mean words, to show kindness to a mean kids because that kid is probably acting out because circumstances we have no idea about, justified or not.
Then... a mean mom steps in my path. What do you do? Do you do what we expect from our kids? Do we raise our voice at a rude adult? Do, we turn the other cheek or walk away? Man.. that's hard! Thankfully as adults, we see less bullies.. but they are still out there. And I had a fresh instant where I had to take my own word and follow them. I had to try and ignore the behavior, then I tried to "work it out", then I had to walk away. I wasn't always proud of my reactions in this process that lasted several weeks. But, thankfully I never did anything I would have not done in front of my kids. But...I am still not pleased with myself in this instance. I don't really know if I'm unhappy with myself or just really unhappy I had to deal with it at all. And now, I have much great respect for my kids on how they handle situations. I realize that they get "bullied" by adults a lot. A lot of time they are not respected, but yet we expect respect from them.
So, as I wrap up my thoughts on this episode of "what goes thru my mind".... I have 2 conclusions.
1) Thank you God you sent Jesus! That there is a mix of a heavenly role model in an earthly form for my kids to see. And I pray you can shine a bit of your amazingness thru my actions to my children.
2) And no wonder !!!! No matter my amount of breathing, counting to 3 before responding, of self time outs, and parenting books - can I ever really live up to my own expectations - since you know that expectation is perfection. So.. I need to give myself a little smile sometimes, you know... the one I gave to that lady in Target... the one that said it will be ok. And realize I need a role model just as much as my kids. So.. while I look for that earthly one, the one that is a mix of Martha Stewart, Nanny McPhee, and Caillou's Mom with a touch of Abby Cadabby in for fun.
I'll just keep asking for God's daily help and thank him for every minute of togetherness I mange to put forth! I found this scripture today... Proverbs 29:11 "A fool gives full vent to her anger, but a wise man keep himself under control.". I pray to be a wise mom.
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