No I did not have cancer. I'll just put that out there.. but for 2 months... there was a possibility and it was crazy scary.
In 2006 I was 28 years old and we found out we were expecting our 2nd child (surprise)... they found a tumor in my left breast. Honestly.. they were surprised that they just now noticed it. My normal size of a B was a D. Up to that point in time, we all assumed it was just my bodies way of dealing with the pregnancy and breastfeeding of my first child who was now 10 months old. Boy were we wrong.
I was told, not to worry. They will be back in the room in a minute after they make a call. 10 mins. later they had me set up with an ultrasound the next day and an appointment with the leading breast cancer surgeon the day after. I took all this in stride.. however when I found out that surgeon was usually a 6 month wait to even get a consult the realization of what this could be was not lost on me.
Now.. I take a time out of my story to inform you of my super power! Yes.. I have super power. It's called Denial. I have it in copious amounts, and it comes in very handy at times.
When the surgeon took at look at my files, looked me in the eyes and said "I'm sure it's fine, but we need to wait until your 2nd trimester until we attempt surgery". I was barely 6 weeks along, so I just set it all aside. I did.. I didn't loose any sleep over this, I actually thought about it very little. What was my choice, I couldn't do anything at this point so I just keep going on. I wore diagonal stripped shirts because I thought it created in illusion that would hide the size difference. I padded the other one with those silicone things. I hid it. Well I tried.. you can see below it was hard to hide.
this is me at my first son's Birthday Party
a few weeks before removal
I'm told much later by my husband that he wasn't handling this very well. But, that is his story to tell and someday maybe he will.
The 2nd day of my 2nd trimester - I walked in the hospital to have my tumor removed.
I should also say... it was this day we found out we were having a boy! Yep... the ultra sound after surgery to make sure the baby was waking up ok we found out this wonderful news, and that is what I choose to remember most about that day.
Upon waking up from the surgery, the Dr. showed me the tumor. It was 10 cm long, 6 cm wide, and 4 cm deep. It was about the size of a chicken breast - slightly smaller than my hand. In tumor land this is a giant. She was sure she got it all, she took all the breast tissue I had and they would send it off to be analyzed. Bad news, since she was trying not to damage any more milk ducts that were still decent (not very many were still working) and realizing I would want to breast feed my 2nd she didn't do any kind of cosmetic work on my remaining skin.
**** let me paint you a picture. I had a size D boob.. they took all the mass and tissue out of it... just image the left over - deflated - stretched out - 80 year old woman looking thing that was remaining. It wasn't pretty... in fact... it hung 3 inches below my other side and now I could roll it up like a tube sock and tuck it into my bra. And I did just that for 3 years.
I called it my Salvador Dali Breast.
(image from Wikipedia)
Thankfully.. and truly... I will never be able to thank God enough for answering my prayers of not having cancer - the tumor was benign. Which was a shock to the Dr. at my follow up... she said "Honestly I didn't think I would be able to tell you that after the surgery". That is when it all set in or me and I finally cried. Thankful for my denial up to that point! Officially I had a giant Fibro-adenoma. (
http://www.cancer.org/healthy/findcancerearly/womenshealth/non-cancerousbreastconditions/non-cancerous-breast-conditions-fibroadenomas).
Because it was benign... I didn't qualified for breast reconstruction per my insurance. For 3 years I fought this, and finally I got an OK through some little tiny loop hole! And I took it. Again, I was so blessed to have another leading surgeon of KU Breast Cancer Center take on my surgery and she did great. I finally have 2 matching boobies! Yea!!!! Yes, my left one has about 4 large scars it's been cut, gutted, re-shaped, and stitched back together in about 3 different directions but it's the same size. And I am thankful! I can wear swimming suits, I can wear tank tops, I donated all my diagonal stripped shirts. I can wear normal bra's again!
I threw away the collection I had gathered of multi colored sports bras in different styles.. I even had my "dressy" ones for church. I now hate sports bra's! I went on a bra shopping spree!!!! Of course that is after the 6 month recovery of the reconstruction surgery.
If you ever think that a breast reconstruction is an easy surgery you are wrong. It was more painful for me that all my birthing experiences combined (and epidurals don't really work well on my due to my scoliosis). So.. I mean it really hurt. The nerve pain was like fire.. and it stayed for 4 weeks after the surgery. I had to wear a pump of medicine that was inserted into my skin - even in the shower and bed. I couldn't lift for months.. and I had a 3 month old baby girl at this time, so I depended so much on family. Again... totally blessed to have a Mother, Mother in Law, and cousin that came and stayed with me and were my arms to my 3 very small kids.
I'm not going to put myself in the same category as breast cancer survivors. I didn't have cancer, but I got a small taste of their treatment and struggles and it's not easy. I didn't experience chemo or radiation and I am beyond words about how lucky I feel about that.
I now try to have a sense of humor about my fake boob. Even though it was "made" to match the other one, to be what it was before all this tumor stuff.. it's "new".. and "perky" and yes fake.
The scars remind me that I am strong, that I was touched by skilled hands and by God's grace!
I see the wonderful and touching art photographs of cancer survivors that are truly amazing, and those women who boldly show their traumatized bodies to the world are so strong. I pray that they feel strong. I also pray that they feel feminine. Having a part of your body, no matter that part sectioned off as sick and removed is not a good feeling. Having your body turn against you in a such a scary way is well... terrifying.
Rally around these women! Each woman will have their own story, their own way of dealing with their experiences. I personally love what P.ink is doing to make something beautiful out of situations like this.
https://www.facebook.com/PersonalInk
Maybe someday when my nerves in that area aren't super duper on high alert, I'll be brave enough to have an awesome image put on there. I would love that!
I've had about 4 other tumors the size of marbles removed over the years between 2005-present. One on my head, 2 on my back, and one on the bottom part of the right breast. So.. I go for yearly screenings, mammograms and ultrasounds.
I always do it in October because that's when I remember to make the appointments.
Funny story... last year I was recovering from a simple fever virus and made my appointment. I fainted right in the middle of the mammogram. I awoke to about half the office standing over my uncovered top half taking my pulse and blood pressure. So, I have learned to not be overly sensitive about the whole strangers seeing my boobs. My husband is so pleased! :) I say this with sarcasm, because now, I will flash people just to make him laugh. I'm glad he isn't too over sensitive about it either. A good laugh can help a lot.
I urge you to get checked, get a mammogram, and remember that even something small can become a big issue so don't take any chances or take your time about dealing with things.
If you share my super power of denial, don't let it flex it's muscles on this topic.
